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Broke dating going she

Anonymous

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At what point do you walk away vs go for broke?

My best friend is male, I am female. We are in our early 30's. We met at the hospital that we work at about 3 years ago and have been inseparable ever since. We do everything together that best friends do, road trips, concerts, camping, movies, you name it we do it...we talk and text non stop from sun up to sun down. We have a very trusting and safe relationship. He is the type of guy that will look at a menu and say what he thinks I will like before he even looks for himself. He will pick all the tomatoes out of the guacamole because I hate them. He has my back 100% and I have his. A little background on us as individuals. Him, 30, very good looking, tall, dark hair, clean, very funny, no kids, never been married. Most serious relationship was 3 years. He has dated a ton, but nothing has come from it. Me, 33, smart, funny, very nurturing, mom of a little one, divorced. In the last month something has changed. He was telling me about a blind date he was going on. I literally felt like I was hit in the chest. I wanted to vomit. I had to go home and collect myself. What the hell was happening to me??? I called him and told him I didn't want him to go on the date. He said ok, and didn't go. We didn't address it any further. Fast forward to last week, I told him that I might be falling in love with him but I know we would never work because he wants kids and I'm done, I don't want anymore. I told him that I may need to step back because it's too painful at this juncture to see him dating women. He told me that he won't compromise on his desires (marriage, kids and what not) which I get and fully respect. The problem for me is his actions are not matching his words. What is the best thing to do at this point?

8 answers and 8 replies

    • @HikerVeg: That’s a hard question to answer over the internet, where you can’t see my body language or hear my tone. But, he has becoming even more “loving” to me. He is continuously asking how I am and what he can do for me. He’s calling more, stopping over more, making more distant future plans...that kind of stuff. I don’t know, maybe he just feels bad for me, lol!

  • You have incompatible life goals. Incompatible in a way where compromises aren't possible. The best thing to do is to break up and cut off all contact. This will protect both of you. You, because you won't waste your time and emotions loving someone you can't have. Him, because he'll be able to move on and find the person who shares his life goals, without you blocking his dating.

    You certainly want what's best for you, right? And, if you love him, you want what's best for him as well. I don't say this will be easy, but it's the only answer.

    ETA: Is he attracted to you? It's hard for me to believe a guy would hang out with you for 3 years and not make a move if he were. If he isn't, then that's another reason to break up before you cause more heartache for yourself.

    Edited by the author

    • @colette: Thank you for your response, it’s very refreshing. I do want what’s best for him, absolutely. That is the only reason I am thinking of walking away. I am not willing to give him what he wants, but I love him deeply and I want him to have the desires in his heart. Is he attracted to me? I would say yes. He tried to kiss me when we first met, but I pulled away. Since then he’s been a perfect gentleman. Timing is off for the both of us. I guess I am just sad that we would end this way, and hoping someone would tell me that its not over, or the way it has to end. I am honestly thinking about going away for a 12 week assignment at a different hospital in hopes that I “get over this” and that when I return I can just be the friend he deserves, that I can get our friendship back to a place that works for me too.

  • You seem to have an amazing connection with this guy, and here you are ready to give him up just because you have different life goals. Can't you and
    him find a compromise in your goals for the future? Everyone is pretty quick in saying that you should just distance yourself, but how often do people find a connection like that? You do everything together and care deeply about
    each other, and obviously spend a whole lot of time together. I am surprised
    you're not sleeping together. I am curious to learn what will happen if you
    go through with putting some distance between the two of you. Will he accept that? Will you be able to stay away?

    I agree with Kenmele. You should be in a relationship and leave the other considerations for later in the future. Have you considered that may be he
    was testing you by mentioning going on a date, to see how you would react?
    Both of you are probably being stubborn and not want to give in on any
    of your goals, not realizing that what you two have is too precious to
    throw away.

    I wish you all the best and hope that there is a better ending to this story for the two of you.

  • It's easier said than done. When it comes to major decisions such as wanting to have kids and/or wanting to get married, one must be unselfish and let the other person go if you're not willing to compromise on those things. I know because I've been there. I was dating this beautiful model for two years. She wanted kids and wanted to get married, but I didn't want to have any more kids because I already have two from a previous marriage. It's hard as hell but I understand where you're coming from. You certainly do not want him to resent you for not giving him what he wants. Just hope that one day in his own term he will decide to accept your kid as his own and move on with you. You never know, you might have a change of heart yourself. It's hard but you must walk away at least for awhile. Walking away will put you in a better compromising position. Good luck

  • Personally I think you can find a middle ground versus either extreme.

    It is smart to not pursue something beyond a friendship if you both don't have the same desires (marriage, kids, and what not). Maybe one of you will have a change of heart on these, but until then go no further.

    This doesn't mean you have to end a great friendship. It sounds as if you both spend so much time together, neither of you has much time to pursue other opportunities. Tell him you still want to remain best friends, but need to scale some things back. Let him know you want him to date, but you aren't at a point where you want to hear about it. Maybe instead of going out together 8 times this month, you go out 7 times. Slowly walking it down to a couple times a month.

    As for his actions not matching his words. You should both agree on some scaled back boundaries. A possible place to start: Each of you pretend you have a serious partner. What boundaries would you expect them to have with a good friend of the opposite gender? Answer honestly, and use them for you friendship boundaries.

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